Archive for the ‘Little Italy’ Tag

My Arch Nemesis: The Scallion

Odyesseus had Poseidon… 

Sherlock Holmes had Professor (or was it Doctor?) Moriarity…

James Bond had Ersnt Blofeld…

The Road Runner had the Coyote…

Superman had Lex Luthor…

…and me? Well I have the scallion. Yes, that wretched little green poor excuse for a vegetable. No matter how hard I try to avoid it, no matter how much I go out of my way to ignore it, it always manages to find a way to show up on my plate and ruin a perfectly good meal.

Scallions: Ruining Meals Since 1994

Seriously, how do these things even qualify as food anyway? As far as I am concerned, scallions are nothing more than glorified grass, except grass would probably taste better. Look, onions I get.. Shallots, I get.. The stupid grass the grows off the end of an onion, not food and I don’t care what anyone says. 

Besides, you can’t tell me that so many recipes call for these little bastards. Yet there they are, without fail, staring up at me with that damn shit-eating * sarcastic grin, knowing they just ruined another dinner. Well, ok, chopped up little grass can’t really smile at you or show emotion, but that’s what I see, every damn time!

I hate these guys!

I first became aware of the scallions attempt to ruin my dietary life back in college. You know, like every beer-guzzling coed, I practically lived off Taco Bell. I think I tried everything on the menu at least once, but not at the same time, please don’t tell me you were actually thinking that. Anyway, I began to notice that these strange green rings were starting to show up more and more in my order. They would ruin everything.. There is nothing worse than biting into a bean burrito and hearing a little crunch sound. Sure enough, I take a look at my half-eaten burrito, and there they are somewhere between the beans and the sour cream. They had no right being there! I finally started ordering my Taco Bell without the “onions” but as I later learned, most Taco Bell employees took “onions” to be actual “onions” and not scallions. See, even people in the food industry have no idea what these stupid things are!!

Then there was that other time, much later in life, I am enjoying a plate of wonderful appetizers at a fine Italian restaurant in Baltimore’s famous Little Italy. For the sake of my story, my appetizer was calamari. Yes, that’s right, I would rather eat something dead with tentacles than put a stinking scallion into my mouth. Well, I think I ordered fettucine seafood alfredo as my entrée. When the plate is delivered to me, guess who’s sitting right there on top the pasta and the little pieces of shrimp. Yup.. Mr Scallion. Now I don’t want to tell you how long it takes to remove every single scallion from a plate of fettucine, but it takes a quite a while. I really hope I wasnt on a date in this story, because if it was I can only imagined what I looked like carefully removing scallion by scallion from my food. So yeah, if it was a date, it was probably a last one.

Certainly you get my point by now. The scallion has been attempting to ruin my life ever since I first became aware of his existence and it’s not just Mexican or Italian either. This little green jerk often shows up on steak, Greek, chicken, burgers and even ice cream. Ok, not really ice cream, I just wanted to see who was still paying attention.

Surely I can’t be alone here? Do people actually like these things? It’s not like I’ve ever heard someone say “You know what I could really go for now? Scallions!”

Until the day the scallion is declared a non-food and permantly removed from every and all menus fit for human consumption, this bastard of the onion will continue to remain as my greatest Arch Nemesis of the culinary world.

UPDATE: My prayers may have been answered.. Finally, someone has recognized the scallion for the evil it has brought into this world.

*can I say shit? Is that allowed? The only alternative I could come up with was poop-eating grin but that just sounds ridiculous. Besides, I don’t think poop-eating grin would have worked, It would have instantly distracted the reader from my story the same way a footnote would have. I hate footnotes.