The History of Asparagus Pee..

Ok.. Fess up!! Who has it? You know your urine smells! Just admit it!

Yup, thought of this one while I was on the can earlier this evening.. So I decided to take a historical look at the odor of asparagus pee. The below is taken directly from Wikipedia. Well the paragraph AFTER the paragraph below is taken directly from Wikipedia. Sorry for the confusion. Cut me some slack, I am enjoying quite a bit of beer right now.

I am so glad that one of our founding fathers, Ben Franklin wasted parchment talking about the odor of urine. Fantastic. Oh and did you see Marcel Proust’s admissions below? What? Come again? Asparagus pee smells like perfume?

Urine effects

The effect of eating asparagus on the eater’s urine has long been observed:

“[Asparagus] cause a filthy and disagreeable smell in the urine, as every Body knows.” (Treatise of All Sorts of FoodsLouis Lemery, 1702)[33]
“asparagus… affects the urine with a foetid smell (especially if cut when they are white) and therefore have been suspected by some physicians as not friendly to the kidneys; when they are older, and begin to ramify, they lose this quality; but then they are not so agreeable.” (“An Essay Concerning the Nature of Aliments,” John Arbuthnot, 1735)[34]
“A few Stems of Asparagus eaten, shall give our Urine a disagreable Odour…” (“Letter to the Royal Academy of Brussels,” Benjamin Franklin, c. 1781)[35]
Asparagus “…transforms my chamber-pot into a flask of perfume.” Marcel Proust (1871–1922)
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Genesis

So about 7 years ago… Ok, cut.. Why didnt I just start with “in 2005?”

Ok take 2.

In 2005, I had the great idea that I would start a blog and essentially talk about nothing, well keeping with my early 30’s-something ADHD-wannabe self, I was true to my word and did just that and wrote exactly…. drum roll please… one post. My introduction… Yup, and never got beyond that. I recently found the blog entry, and you know, I gotta say, it’s actually quite funny. A little dated, and no one under 30 will get the humor, but still funny to me anyway. Afterall, isnt that why I am here? To entertain myself?

Genesis

If Genesis is a good enough opening for the Bible, its a good enough start for me. Great, already one sentence into this thought and I’ve already delving into age-old controversy that’s bound to piss off somebody. Come to think about it, embarrassing as it may sound, when I think of Genesis, the first thing I think of isnt the Bible. Yep, its Ricardo Montalban (is he still alive anyway? I really hope he is, I wrote this in 2005, or 7 years ago, whichever you prefer.) Anyway, the first image Genesis conjurs up for me is Montalban with that fake chest of muscles, chasing a rather portly William Shatner (played by James Kirk) around the Star Trek universe looking for the ever satisfying revenge kill. Of course, he never got it, but he did get to use the Genesis device. That computer simulated Genesis demonstration was pretty cool, remember it was even used in some stupid arcade game that gave you the impression that the film footage in the background was actually part of the graphics in the game, when in actuality, you only got to shoot at a few lousy computer targets on the screen and never interacted with the background. What a ripoff considering it was probably a 2 quarter game. Anyway, Montalban (played by Khan Noonian Singh) in that movie died a happy man, he set off the Genesis torpedo and for all he knew, he actually killed Shatner in the process. Of course he didnt, but he thought he did. So in a way, I suppose he actually won that battle.

Khaaaaannnn!!!

Then again, you figured since he detonated the Genesis torpedo and actually created the Genesis planet, Shatner would have at least been kind enough to name the planet after Montalban. Come to think of it, Shatner didnt even name the planet after Leonard Nimoy (played by the narrator of “In Search of”), who as we all know, “died” saving Shatner’s fat-ass from the Genesis torpedo. Shatner in true go-bot fashion*, came up with the ever so original “Genesis Planet.” Maybe Shatner was mad that the producers didnt give him a fake chest full of muscles.

*Remember that cartoon from the 80’s, The Go-Bots? They gave the characters such creative names as Cy-Kill, yup a robot who transformed into a motorcycle, and Tank, a robot who literally just bent over and was supposed to resemble a Tank. Don’t believe me? Look it up. Oh here, just let me find a picture.  See, I told you, looks just like a Tank.

Is there anything funnier than…

watching a dog chasing his tail?

Yes, I am talking about an actual dog chasing his or her actual tail. No double entendre or hidden meaning here.

This is the best I could do!

I was just thinking about this today, the very thought of any dog spinning out of control, desperately trying to reach his tail will bring me to tears with laughter, every time. Every time!

Oh come on!! Don’t tell me it wouldn’t make you laugh to imagine the canine of your choice spinning like an overgrown hamster atop an old 45 record on some novelty size giant record player. Actually, if it was a giant record player, I guess I wouldnt need the hamster for this analogy. Lose that thought. Horrible idea. I apologize. Remember, new guy here.. I have zero followers and one person has liked my blog in the past week! How can I be sure anyone really reads this. Wait I got it. I could start writing embarrassing stories about all of my friends one at a time and see who finally approaches me and admits they are reading this.

Anyway, back to the spinning dogs!

I think the larger the dog, the funnier the chase of the tail appears. Imagine two large dogs spinning side by side, it would probably look like an out of control U.S. Army Chinook helicopter that just crashed through a Chinatown laundromat. Yeah, I have no idea what that means either. I am not really that good at this am I?

Or how about when a dog spins himself so fast during the chase, that when he stops, he can barely walk because of the self-induced dizzy spell. That’s worth double the laughs. At least for me anyway.

You know what would be really funny? If they introduced dog spinning at the Westminster Dog Show next year as a category. Yeah, I don’t know a thing about the Westminster Dog Show aside from the fact when it was on the USA Network in the 90’s it used to preempt Monday Night Raw but I still think that would be a great idea. “Oh here comes Princess Fanny, a championship pure breed with fine lineage. She has scored highly in every one of tonight’s categories, but she needs need to nail the tail spin chase to secure her spot in the finals for best in show.”

Don’t tell me you wouldn’t watch.

My Best Friend

Those of you who know me or rather those of you who know me well, will attest to the fact that I am not the easiest person to get close to or to love.  I am very guarded emotionally and it took me quite a long time to realize that I’ve kept up an emotional wall or barrier pretty much my entire adult life. I wouldn’t let anyone in close enough to care about me and in turn I wouldn’t allow myself to care deeply about others.

Sure I have plenty of friends and of course I care about most of them. Ugh, that didn’t come out right, oh heck with it, you know what I am trying to say. Anyway, I am hardly some strange anti-social recluse with the inability to emotionally interact with other people. I was just not what one would describe as emotionally available.

That is until I met my best friend…

Life is full of turning points. The day I started elementary school, the day I graduated from high school, the day I started my career and the day my son was born all rank up there as the most significant turning points in my life. As paramount as each of those events was to shaping who I am as a person, none actually altered my personality. While my academic and career milestones had molded the inevitable intellectual and financial course of my life, and having my son awoken me to the concept of unconditional love, it was the meeting of the lady who would become my best friend that changed me forever.

I’ll always remember the day I met my best friend. It was at an innocent round of trivia on warm October evening. While trivia was my game, it wasn’t necessarily hers, but it didn’t matter. I don’t think I had as much fun playing a round of trivia as I did that night. It didn’t matter where we placed overall, it was the instant chemistry of our two person team that mattered. I don’t think I ever laughed more than I did that night. I never wanted that game to end. Thankfully for me, it didn’t. We slowly bonded after our initial meeting and our time together became more and more frequent.

In turn, the laughter and the fun only increased between us and it wasn’t just the times out, drinking the night away at the local pub, or sharing our tastes of the best Baltimore’s finest culinary establishments had to offer. It was the down time, the time alone, people watching, playing a game or watching television together. Being with my best friend taught me how to open up, how to laugh, how to care for someone else and most importantly how to be cared for by them.

I am a better person for having had her in my life. She taught me me so much about myself and showed me so many things I needed to learn about life in general. If I could see her now, I would tell her “thank you, thank you for being the wonderful person you are.”

It was not chance that my best friend came into my life. Something as special and magical as the relationship we shared together was no mere cosmic coincidence.  It happened for a reason and I don’t think I know that entire reason just yet but I have a feeling it was more than just helping me to become emotionally available.

Although my best friend has since gone away, she will always be a part of me and I will always be a part of her. I will never forget her.

Happy St Patrick’s Day

Here’s to a long life and a merry one.

A quick death and an easy one

A pretty girl and an honest one

A cold beer – and another one!

March Madness

As I am sitting here watching some of the first round (or is it called the second round now?) of the NCAA tournament, soaking in the spectacle that is March Madness, I came up with a crazy idea.

What if everything and everyone in life had seedings? Ok, I have no idea where I am going with this.

It’s a crazy idea sure, but a bad idea for a blog.

I need a beer.

Tic-Tac-Toe

Have you ever played tic-tac-toe? Of course you have, but you don’t anymore. Why? Because it is a boring game and it always results in a tie. The game itself is pointless and there is no way to win…

No sh*t it's a tie


That my friends is the definition of futility. Ok, it’s not the dictionary definition of the word, but you get where I am going with this analogy.

One of my greatest strengths, and perhaps as I am starting to learn, one of greatest weaknesses, is my perseverance. I used to think of this as my ability to see the light at the end of every dark tunnel, to maintain hope when there often is none and to fight til the bitter end if the cause was worthy.

This has helped me get through some difficult times in my life. Quite recently I had been faced with a heartbreaking loss. A loss from which, I thought I would never recover, but I stubbornly kept fighting. My heart was in the fight and true to form, I carried on when others would have given up and thrown in the towel, and it seemed, for at least a short time my perseverance served me well.

Now once again I am faced with the very same scenario. My instincts and my heart tell me to fight and stand tall but my mind has started to grow wary. I am now starting to wonder if I am just too stubborn to see that life itself has thrown the ultimate game of tic-tac-toe at my feet.

The game that can never be won.

Diary of a Hitman

Well… Here I am.. Enter the Hitman or as is so often cliched, Hell has frozen over. Well, not really, I mean according to Dante, the 9th circle of Hell is already a  frozen lake, so I suppose in some ways the expression “Hell has frozen over” is redundant.. Anyway, getting back on topic. The purpose of my inaugural blog entry is not meant to be a critique of Dante, nor are any subsequent entries, so if you were looking for reviews and discussions of classic literature, I am sorry I misled you and just wasted a minute or two of your life. Ok, if it took you longer than two minutes to read this introductory paragraph, I don’t apologize, you have other issues.

Welcome to my blog.

Where was I? Oh… The purpose of my inaugural blog of course. I suppose I feel obligated to introduce myself to you, my yet to be defined or currently non-existent audience. Actually, you know what, I changed my mind. I don’t see much of a point introducing myself in this first entry when wordpress conveniently comes with a profile of the blog author. Just read that if you want to know about me. I must warn you though, I am really not that exciting, I swear.

Aside from the dry and sarcastic sense of humor I will force upon you, I suppose I do have much I need to let out, or else I wouldn’t be here right? You’d think writing would come easy to me, I mean I have a Master’s Degree in History, which for your non-academic types, meant a good 50 pages of writing per graduate class. And although I do a considerable amount of journalistic style writing in my day to day career, I’ve never dabbled into creative writing or expressive thought, so in many ways this is new to me. With that being said, I have a lot in my heart, and in my soul that I need to let out, and I figured a blog would be the best outlet for this. So by now I can only assume after reading this paragraph, the last of you who were trying to get through this, just zoned out. I promise it will get better. Actually I take that back, I can’t promise that. Hell (frozen over), it will probably get a lot worse.

What’s that, you ask? What does the title of my blog mean? I am going to pretend someone just asked that question, just humor me ok? Truth be told, I am not really sure. Since my days of commodore 64 bbs’ing in the late 80’s, I have always used the name “Hitman.” I suppose if I had to pin down the actual origin of the name, I always thought Bret “The Hitman” Hart had a cool nickname, so if I am going to give anyone credit for my moniker, it will be him.

Bret "The Hitman" Hart

Bret "The Hitman" Hart

By the way, I met Bret Hart once, but I suppose that is a story for another time.  You know, on a total side note, I am proud that I was able to link that picture in the first try. So anyway, the name “Hitman.” No, I’m not a real hitman, I don’t watch mafia movies, I don’t even own a gun and I am not even a violent guy. Stop asking me about the name, ok? It’s just name, stop judging me.

So there it is… My first entry.  More to come..